For readers with limited time a summary of the prizes and positions awarded is to be found in a separate post.
To deliver their speech, Quintin Beer and Edward Picton-Turbervill had to choose a very special location. Eventually it was decided that it would take place on U.S. Route 15, one of the original U.S. Highways dating back to 1926, a road as historic as the event itself. Our auditorium was mobile and fitted with an extra supply of warm air, which along with the blazing sun created a truly tropical experience.
To deliver their speech, Quintin Beer and Edward Picton-Turbervill had to choose a very special location. Eventually it was decided that it would take place on U.S. Route 15, one of the original U.S. Highways dating back to 1926, a road as historic as the event itself. Our auditorium was mobile and fitted with an extra supply of warm air, which along with the blazing sun created a truly tropical experience.
(Apologies for that overdose of swill, particularly to Hugh Cross who may have allergies. Now let's get on with the transcript.)
Excessive cheering...
Edward: Hello Chaps, Quintin and I are delighted to be presenting the 2011 Eton College Chapel Choir Awards, sponsored by Woodberry Forest School, who have generously provided the prizes.
First up, a notorious young man, fresh from explorations of the Northern Lands, it’s our very own James Harkness. Given the presence of F Blockers, the nature of the incident that engendered the awards cannot be divulged. For his infamous tea time activities, James Harkness wins Best Interaction with an American Citizen.
Quintin: Now, James is the exception that proves the rule when it comes to love-making. Behind every young couple, there is a puppeteer, manipulating the course of true love. George Wilders has proved himself a fertile bed of soil, on which the dandelion seeds of romance have fallen. We’ve all seen his marvelous work; James Picton-Turbervill at the “Mixer” and more importantly, Henry Seabright at Washington National Cathedral. Without George, our own Demetrius and Lysander would never have found true expression for their feelings. So, to George Wilders goes the award for Choir Matchmaker.
Quintin: Now, James is the exception that proves the rule when it comes to love-making. Behind every young couple, there is a puppeteer, manipulating the course of true love. George Wilders has proved himself a fertile bed of soil, on which the dandelion seeds of romance have fallen. We’ve all seen his marvelous work; James Picton-Turbervill at the “Mixer” and more importantly, Henry Seabright at Washington National Cathedral. Without George, our own Demetrius and Lysander would never have found true expression for their feelings. So, to George Wilders goes the award for Choir Matchmaker.
Edward: Quintin, I think your stylist has done a great job today. What products did they use?
Quintin: Well, Edward, that’s a very interesting question. The crucial ingredient in my routine is Loreal’s Max-Invigorating-Facial-Stimulo-Cranial-Hairshine-Conditioning-Nano Particle-anti-wrinkle-max-ma-mi-min-anti ageing cream with pearl extract, available to buy two for one at all good local stockists.
Edward: Right, enough of the banter, we move on. Not since Tristan and Isolde has such passion sprouted between two young people. The relationship between our own flame haired hero and Washington Cathedral Girls’ Choir’s vast bosomed vessel of velvety temptation, Victoria, may yet be foiled by both Henry’s reluctance and the Atlantic Ocean. The fate of these star-crossed lovers hangs in the balance as we draw ever closer to Washington DC. The prize for Long Distance Relationship goes to Henry Seabright.
Quintin: Moving on from these Freudian nightmares of Henry’s relationships, we reach now a sad story of unrequited love. Even George Wilders’ machinations could not overcome the language barrier between Nick Hampson and a certain Fraulein, whose name no one actually knows. Young love, wie lieblich, how sad. Nick Hampson wins the consolation prize for Least Successful Relationship.
Edward: Don’t be disheartened F Blockers. Take hope from the example of Josh Cooter and Beth, who represent a truly magical couple.
Quintin: Edward, let’s lighten the mood, shall we? Tell me about the Martha Stewart Show.
Edward: Well, Quintin, for me the highlight of the show, having watched the footage, was a close up of John Clay wearing a truly unsettling expression of deep mistrust. The award for Most Curious Facial Expression goes to John Clay.
Quintin: While we’re on the subject, I have some horrifying news Edward.
Edward: Really? What is it?!
Quintin: I can reveal that the show was built on a bed of lies. Laurence Booth-Clibborn is not the God-Son of Martha Stewart.
Edward: Gasps
Quintin: To Laurence Booth-Clibborn, not award is given. Laurence, come and collect The Plate of Shame!
Edward: Now, Quintin, your hair wasn’t looking quite so good last Monday, was it? No, in fact you had to have your hair styled twice. For this, you win the award for Least TV Ready. You disgust me.
Quintin: Well, Edward, whilst we’re on the subject of disgust, let me remind the bus of your immortal conversation starter. Did you or did you not bring up the subject of “Breast Infections” to a deeply unsuitable audience?
Edward: I have no comment to make.
Quintin: The prize for Best Conversation Starter goes to Edward Picton-Turbervill.
So while one of the Picton brothers is a despicable individual, the other is a bundle of sweetness and light.
Edward: Admired by many, loved by all,
Quintin: With a Hollywood haircut,
Edward: And pearly white teeth,
Quintin: The award for The Justin Bieber Look Alike
Edward: Goes to… (pause)… James Picton-Turbervill!
The choir owes its image to a small number of civilized young gentlemen. Chief among these is, of course, Philip Hart, who, even when chundering massively, remained charming and delightful company. The prize for Most Urbane Choir Member goes to Philip Hart.
Quintin: Continuing with the choir’s image, in order to offset George Wilders’ appalling dress sense, the choir ships in a consignment of Dandies each year. For his selection of silk cravats and marvelously coiffeured hair, Hamish McLaren wins Best Dressed.
Ed: Tom Norrington can’t get anywhere close to this award.
Quintin: For his innovative approach to sub cassock clothing, Tom wins Best Undressed.
Edward: From fops to fashion, Eugene, the masseur who mixes pleasure with pain, has really pushed the boat out this year, with his array of rubber golf shirts and three-quarter length shorts. One particular accessory caught the judges’ eyes. For his handbag, sorry, man-bag, Eugene Loh wins Most Progressive Fashion Accessory.
Edward: Though it doesn’t do to judge a person’s character by their appearance, Quintin. Having said that, Scarratt looks like a moron and is in fact a moron.
Quintin: Known now as the Choir Pinball, Rupert Scarratt wins the award for Choir Clown.
Edward: We move now to official choir positions. The post of choir photographer has been hotly contested. James Harkness’ artistic photos of sign posts and his dedication to documenting events on tour, which extends so far as buying burgers simply to photograph them, have not been enough to win the award.
Quintin: So, the award for Photo Journalist of the Year, for his gargantuan camera and accessories goes to Tim “Waldorf” Khoury.
Edward: A man of many talents, the judges agonised over which award to give John Gowers ma KS MS MD QC PhD FRCO CBE (Keeper of Ontological Existentialism).
Quintin: However, we have reached a decision. Despite his recent performance on the dance floor surrounded by a gaggle of transfixed girls, John is not made keeper of dancing.
Edward: Instead, the judges chose to honour his miraculous achievements with the choir blog. At time of going to press, the blog has raised £65.19 and had 3849 views. Therefore, John is elevated to the prestigious position of Keeper of Swill.
Quintin: Sadly no longer with us, Sam Jordan has burned the number of calories equivalent to the average monthly dietary requirements of an F Blocker. For this and his sterling work of leading the two choir runs, Sam wins Keeper of Fitness.
Ed: Doubtless Julian Hartley was deep in thought on that ill-fated run in Central Park. Whatever profound contemplations were passing through his head at the time, they resulted in a collision between him and a street –cleaner.
Quintin: Julian Hartley wins the award for Most Pensive Runner.
Edward: For his adventures on said run, Rupert Dower-Tylee winds the award for Close Encounter with a Bin.
We’d also like to award Joseph Boorman the award for Athletic Reluctance for his pathetic attempt on the New York run. Boorman, no need to stand up –we’ll spare you the exertion.
Quintin: Speaking of being out of place, we’d like to award the prize for Being a D Blocker to the man with no mental health, (vice-keeper of swill) Richard Gowers.
Edward, you’re looking rather emaciated today. Have you eaten recently?
Edward: No, Quintin. My brother and I have been unable to eat these two weeks, our budgets having been exhausted during the first evening in New York.
Quintin: Ah yes, didn’t Egor take you to a rather expensive Steak House? I heard it was $75 for 30 grams of Wagyu Beef?
Edward: Yes, and for that Egor Grigorev wins Most Inappropriate Restaurant Choice.
Moving on to the other half of our Russian, Daniel Parr wins the prize for Worst Pronunciation of Russian for generating ten minutes of confusion as to whether we should be buggering or boggering.
Quintin: Which is it?
Edward: Who knows. Who cares.
Quintin: Well, Egor certainly doesn’t. Well done Daniel.
Edward: Speaking of foreigners, Riccardo Conci, Ralph’s pocket Italian, is ever willing to pronounce Italian words for Ralph’s amusement.
Quintin: Riccardo, say “Pasta” – everyone listen, everyone listen to Riccardo.
Edward: P -aaa- sta
Quintin: Guffaw
Edward: Riccardo seems unable to understand the word Adagio. For his conducting of the Finzi, Riccardo wins Visonary Interpretation Award.
Quintin: At the same time, Hugo was offering such worthwhile advice as…
Edward: “Guys, can you just make it better”
Quintin: “Just do more words”
Edward: “Just make it more expressive”
Quintin: Hugo Popplewell, direct descendant of Gerald Finzi, wins Vaguest Suggestions for Improvement.
Edward: By contrast, Ludo Graham’s conducting was authoritative, confident and technically brilliant. The judges would like to name him Most Likely to Succeed Ralph.
Quintin: Mr Maynard’s inimitable phrase “It’s very easy to get lost in the rain” is representative of the great care and attention he has devoted to a job that is not his own. Mr Maynard, despite being a mere malto, has seized control of the reins of power surreptitiously. Mr Maynard wins the award for Unofficial Tour Leader.
Edward: Speaking of usurpation, Patel. Did you or did you not take a solo which rightfully belonged to someone else?
Rubin Patel protests
Not another word, Patel. The judges have decided to award you The Plate of Usurpation.
Quintin: I can now reveal that the poor victim of Rubin’s scandalous crime is none other than my good friend Alex Robarts. He too is guilty of the serious crime of leading the youth of the choir astray. The first word of his solo was always… clouded in mystery. For this, he wins Most Non-Committal Vowel Sound.
Edward: Not only has he been perverting F Block with his mouth shapes, but also he and Hugh Cross came close to ruining the concert at Roxbury Latin.
Quintin: However, we forgave Hugh Cross on account of his delightful personality.
Edward: To Hugh Cross is awarded Chirpiest F Blocker
Quintin: He’s not in F Block
Edward: What year is he in?
Quintin: No one knows…
Edward: Think of another prize
Quintin: The prize for…
Edward: Concert Saboteur
Quintin: Yes, Concert Saboteur goes to Hugh Cross.
Edward: What about Alex Tucker? What year is he in?
Quintin: I think he’s in F Block.
Edward: Unusual
Quintin: What is?
Edward: To have a bass in F Block.
Edward: Sticking with F Block, one member has made himself notorious. Conceivably the next Oliver Cromwell, Campbell Donnelly wins the prize for the person ‘Most likely to Spark Revolution’.
Quintin: In connection to Campbell’s revolutionary tendencies, we’d like to give mention to Henry Stacey’s concealed weaponry. To Henry Stacey goes the prize for ‘Sharpest Finger Nails’.
Edward: Quintin, have you ever climbed Everest?
Quintin: No, but I have reached 2nd Base with her.
Edward: To Charlie Marshall goes the award for ‘Sister with the most amusing name’.
Quintin: Have you ever noticed this year, Edward, that F block are supremely confident?
Edward: Yes, Quintin, I’ve even heard Jack Eastwood answer Mr Allwood back and not be met with stony silence.
Quintin: For his comebacks, Jack Eastwood wins the prize for F blocker most like a chipmunk.
Ed: There is one F blocker who is a breath of fresh air amongst the chippiness. For this, George Elliott wins the highly coveted prize Least Offensive F blocker.
Quintin: But as we all know, you can’t have light without darkness. I think most of you can guess who this darkness might represent. A man who is unafraid to voice his opinions, be they founded in fact or completely baseless. Adam, did you or did not accuse a group you term ‘The Red Necks’ of having no culture? Well anyway, Adam Berman wins the prize for Most Offensive.
Ed: Whilst Adam is unafraid to voice his opinions, Alex Chance is unable to do so. Alex has had a massive throat ulcer of dubious origin for the last 2 weeks, rendering his presence unnecessary.
Quintin: The prize for Least Useful Choir Member goes to Alex Chance. Talking of ineptitude, we move to Josh Cooter, known for his generous donations to HIV charities.
Ed: Josh’s letter writing has gone down in History.
Quintin: Edwawrd, would you read us Josh’s seminal work?
Ed: With pleasure, Quintin. The Woodbery Forest missive was written by Josh at that stupendously young age of 17. I consider it one of the finest extant examples of 21st century letter writing.
“Dear Hosts. Since we left you we sang in Washington Cathedral and went to the zoo. Thank you for having us to stay. Josh.”
Quintin Josh Cooter wins the prize for ‘Finest post card’
Ed: Max James is known for his endearing eagerness but could this be a result of performance enhancing drugs?
Quintin: For obsessive work on a particularly huge gobstopper, Max wins the prize for Highest Blood Sugar Level.
Many of us have been lulled this last week by a charming collection of bedtime stories.
Ed: For Alex Eager’s reading of ‘Milk’, he wins the prize for Best Story Teller.
Ecky Thump, Quintin, we’ve forgotten the Highys!!!!
Quintin: Oh yes, where would we be without our daily dose of Beerman and Curry?
Ed: Mr Highy, we’d like to award you with the prize for Most Humorous, with all the choir’s gratitude for your hard work organizing the tour.
Quintin: Laura, we don’t know where we’d be without you. Thank you so much for all your hard work; we really appreciate it.
Ed: I take great pleasure in awarding you the Picton Prize for General Excellence.
Quintin: Now, last but by no means least, the two big dogs of the choir, Ralph and David.
Ed: Quintin, what are we going to give to Mr Goode?
Quintin: Bah…bits and pieces
Ed: Quintin, that’s not good enough. You’re awful to work with. I’m leaving.
Quintin: P-T, Please don’t leave without making a plan!!!!!
Ed: Could you just try and be more helpful, Quintin.
Quintin: Fluster
Ed: Could you just hold Josh’s trousers for a moment please?
Quintin: Fluster
Ed: That’s it, Quintin, Mr Goode wins the award for Most Flustered.
Quintin: I bet Ralph’s not going to stand up.
Ed: Can anyone tell me a way to make him stand up?
Quitnin: Name me one person who hasn’t stood up to accept their prize.
Ed: I’m sure he’s not going to stand up. Ralph wins the award for Most Effective Use of Reverse Psychology.
Quintin: No, I don’t like that.
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